Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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