checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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