I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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