i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
