So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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