I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
