Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
