I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
FUCK WHALES
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