There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
