Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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