Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
