Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
