I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
