Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
