Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
