i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
