I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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