How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
