does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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