he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
