hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
50% drunk capacity currently
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
