On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
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