A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
