If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Randomize
