I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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