Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
