wrigley field is MILF paradise
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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