Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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