there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
