I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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