if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
