i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
