No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
