its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Randomize
