Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
