im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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