we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
