How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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