Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
