Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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