and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
