Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
They are going to name an STD after you.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
