I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
