Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
