Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
