I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
