Im at strip club and am horny
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
