plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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