She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
