I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
