There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
